Taylor’s family has a tradition of giving Pajama Bags on Christmas Eve. We wrap up cereal, which has turned to protein drinks and Christmas tea for my older kids. All the kids get PJ’s, which for our family mostly means a lot of underwear…it seems practical, since that’s what most of them wear to bed. It’s a fun tradition. 

Tonight I ran to the store to get some last minute things. Elise was putting the little boys to bed, when she asked Caleb, “if you could have a super power, what would it be?”,

 “I would wish that I could fly”.

“That sounds awesome Caleb, where would you go?”

“I would fly to see Dad”

The gut punch never stops.

I listened to Ben talk on the phone to Taylor tonight. He’s getting big, well he is already big. Ben has grown 6 inches in the past year, up to 5’11″…he’s pretty proud of that. He has a friend, Nathan, that is shorter than him, which is a recent development. Nathan just got his driver’s license and let Ben know that at least, on his driver’s license,  he’s taller than Ben (he put 5’11.5″ on his license).  I love kids this age! When Joseph was born Ben was 8 years old. Ben was Joey’s favorite person as he got bigger. Caleb came 20 months after Joe and he joined the two other brothers, making Ben the favorite for both of them. For about 3 years now Ben has babysat the boys every Friday night, so Taylor and I could have date night. I had asked him before if he wanted to switch off babysitting with Elise, he said he was happy to do it.  When Taylor got remanded Ben came up to me, and said, “mom, I’ll do anything you need me to, to help out with anything, especially the boys”.  Tonight on the phone I heard Ben tell Taylor, “I really miss you dad”. My heart breaks for my kids. They are all feeling the huge loss. 

Will this nightmare ever end? There will be an end…we should know April 3rd what his sentence will be. I heard rumor of a terrible number of years that is being considered. I don’t want to even say it out loud. 

Elise told me about putting Caleb to bed while I did some last minute wrapping.  She sang and played the guitar, we laughed and cried. I’m so grateful for my kids. I miss Taylor, we all do. 

I had it hit me tonight, with all the emotion…Taylor won’t be here for Christmas. Of course I already knew that, but tonight I felt it. The nightmare starts again every time I wake up, it’s haunting.

I write when I’m feeling the most feels- don’t worry, we are mostly functional most of the day.