This last week we got to visit Taylor for the first time in Missouri. Our two little boys haven’t see him since right before Thanksgiving of last year. The older two and I saw him at sentencing in April. Time seemed to melt away as they ran to hug him, when they saw him coming out into the visiting room. We spent almost 6 hours Saturday and 6 hours Sunday with Taylor, playing cards, trivia, laughing, sharing all the updates, hearing about life in prison and everything else. We all needed that, and it was so hard to say good bye.
*Thank you Stand in the Gap Foundation, that made the visit even possible!
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Marie,
It was so good to see you and the boys, I needed this. We have gotten into a rhythm with me being away. I have a routine (although inconsistent) and you have the super busy life of the day to day Mom/Dad/Start up Non-profit President/Teacher rolls, that keeps you insanely busy from morning till night. There is always a slow ache, a pain we carry when we are away from each other. As one of my favorite authors Ayn Rand says, through her character Howard Roark, with regards to the devastating disappointments and vindictiveness’ directed towards him and how he dealt with it, “the hurt only goes so deep”. We have felt that depth. In our lives we have dealt with financial abyss at times, the death of our child Destin (still the deepest pain I have every felt),. We have felt deeply many pains, but “the hurt only goes so deep”.
This weekend, visiting with you and the kids, has allowed me, and I believe you, to feel the hurt of separation again. Like a scab being pulled off, there is some bleeding. My heart bleeds tonight, it missed you and the kids so much. It misses what life was, holding you, kissing you, seeing the children’s eyes and the excitement they have telling even the littlest stories. The hurt has been there every day since I have been gone. There is not a moment that looming in the background is the pain- but it’s muted by the routine or our busy days. Today, when you and the kids left, I found the bottom of that hurt again.
I remember when Destin was born. I remember walking into the hallway of the NICU in Puerto Rico, with you in the ICU. Both you and him fighting to survive. I was alone, unsure what the next moment would bring. I have never hurt so deep, there in a silent hallway wondering if my wife and/or son would survive. Every heart beat was a throb of doubt. Not long after that, you and I both held each other in that same hallway, after Destin lost his fight, but you had won yours. I hurt, but I had you. Today, when I left visitation, the prison hallways were empty. It was between moves, so I made the journey back to the housing unit, remembering that day in Puerto Rico and adding this day to a list of moments where I felt that hurt so deep again; a memory of our initial separation, and again in an empty hallway.
I am so grateful for the people who have supported us. Who out of their abundance, have blessed us with financial support, with prayers, with letters. They are angels. Just like when we lost Destin, we were borne up on angels wings. I am grateful for the angels who support us now, it’s the angles who water the lilies.
I love you sweetheart, you are my angel. Even though it hurts today, it’s because I love you and the family deeply, and the separation is felt tonight, but “the hurt only goes so deep”. We will survive, this will end, sooner than later. Like other painful moments, we are shaped by the scars we bare, they are badges of honor when we bare them well.
Love,
Taylor
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Honey- it was so great to see you. I miss you so much, my heart feels so heavy. I love you tons. I don’t know what to say. I just can’t wait to be back together… whenever that will be. Stay strong, positive and happy for me. One thing that I’ve been so grateful for, is to see that prison hasn’t hardened you. I wouldn’t say it hasn’t changed you, because of course having an experience like this will shape your perspective and how you view the world and people- which is good. But thank you for not becoming numb or angry or the many emotions you are probably justified to have. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for the man you are.
I love you so much, Marie
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Taylor,
There’s a giant bass pro shop in Springfield. They are having a festival this weekend and were giving away toys, had carnival rides, face painting, food and treats- all for free!! We found out about it from one of the guards at the prison. So… we ended up going there after we saw you – pretty fun!
I’m now watching the kids in the swimming pool at the hotel. The kids are fearless. Joe is giving Caleb “swimming lessons”. He’s calling out “faster” and “dolphin kick”. Caleb is pretty responsive to him 🙂 LOL. So funny!!We all loved seeing you so much today.
See you soon.
Love you, Marie
