The luxury of writing to share my thoughts has been one that I have not enjoyed for quit some time. It seems that it is more of a therapy than something to entertain myself or others. And so tonight I call on that therapy again. I put it out here in hopes that it can help heal my heart and possibly be of use to someone out there. Maybe something good can come from the ramblings of a broken hearted mother and wife. At the least it may help me release enough to go to sleep.

Taylor was found guilty today (well it would be yesterday technically) of all the charges filed against him. Honestly, I can’t even remember how many there are. January 6th was a hard day for all involved, even for those watching on the TV. The prosecution had requested he be remanded into custody and the judge gave the order. I think all of that is the proper way of saying it….There were no good byes or buttoning things up. All we had was an abrupt silence, an entire country’s distance away. The most important person to me and more importantly the most important person to my children is gone.

It’s just so sad

We have had our fair share of difficulties and I’ve been grateful to be on the flip side of those. It’s a relief to look back and see how the things that have been the most difficult have molded us into something we could have never been. It’s fulfilling to see the struggles that have been overcome. But, in the midst of possibly our greatest struggle it’s hard to imagine any resput. Never would I have ever imagined that this experience would be one that I would have to enjoy. I’ve thought a couple times in the past two years, that this is easier than losing our sweet little Destin, but I’m not sure that that is true. It’s probably because it’s 2 in the morning and I have no perspective, but this seems so difficult. Today I watched my 11 year old curl into a ball and sob. I had no answers for him. How long would dad be gone or when would he see him again. I had nothing. My oldest two have been trying to keep it together, but I fear the reservation I’m seeing will come back to haunt us. The two littlest are their happy little selves. How it breakers my heart to think of them without their dad, for who knows how long.

It’s Thanksgiving soon. This world isn’t a stranger to suffering. This is nothing compared to the experiences of so many who have lived before. Israel and the Gaza Strip are in shambles and there are children and people suffering so much more there than I am. My heart aches for the imbalance in the world and in our hearts.

There is so much good out there, and I would be remiss to not thank God for the blessings we have received these past few years, but this is hard.