Whenever someone asks me “How are you doing today?”, I usually reply something like, “well it’s prison, so it’s 4 out of 10, you can’t get above a 4, so overall pretty well.” It usually starts a discussion about how prison stinks, it’s designed to be that way, if it didn’t stink, people might want to stay.
There are however days that are worse than others. There are days where you are locked down. These can be days of immense boredom, where you don’t get phone time or email time. There are days where ‘events’ happen that cause major adrenaline rushes and a stark realization that sometimes people in prison have nothing to loose, and will fight over the smallest disrespect. There are times of loneliness, even though you are surrounded by people almost all the time, you can feel all alone in what you are going through at the moment. It’s not like you can phone a friend to go for ice cream and talk it out, or do many of the things you do to ‘cope’. Then there are the holidays and special family days you miss.
Today is one of those days. When I first was unexpectedly remanded to jail, it was two days before Thanksgiving, the shock of the experience and the fact I was in solitary confinement made that holiday almost non-existent. Then my first day in the J6 jail Pod was my birthday. I was so glad to be out of solitary finally, I almost viewed it as a gift. Then came Christmas, that was really hard. So many family events center around Christmas, including that special morning, and I was absent. Caleb’s birthday, the day after Christmas happened, then New Years, then Valentines Day, Bensen, Elise and Joe’s birthdays, Marie and I’s anniversary, Fisher’s birthday. Each one passed, and I felt those days deeply.
Today is Marie’s Birthday. It’s the last major family event that I will have missed to round out the year. After this I start counting each event as the second time I will have missed them. Today, I wish I could be there to make Marie breakfast in bed, bring her flowers home from work, give her gifts, including ones I would have helped the kids get without her knowledge. I wish I could take the whole family out to dinner to celebrate, and have goofy waiters sing happy birthday. Yes today is one of those days, that even if every thing went perfect here in prison, it would still be a difficult day. These are the days that count hard. These are the days that the punishment of prison sits heavy on your heart.
I love Marie dearly, I couldn’t ask for a better woman, and better mother to my children. I am grateful for all she does, for the strength she has shown through not only this last year, but the years before as we faced many adversities together. Through each one of them we came out stonger together. She has had to do the roll of two parents, figure out how to pay bills, and even find meaning and purpose in this experience starting the Non-profit, LeftBehindandWithout.org. Marie and I often say to each other when times feel hard and heavy, “this won’t last forever” and “this will end”. It will, of this we can be sure.
Marie, I love you, I hope you have a great Birthday even without me there. I hope you know I am thinking about you all day. I look forward to doing all the birthday things again, sooner than later…To those reading this, don’t forget to vote, and tell your friends to vote to!
Love,
Taylor