It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep

I’ve  heard of a broken heart before, and I think I might have one. I hurt so bad. Caleb (who will be turning 5 in a couple weeks) prayed tonight in our family prayers that dad would come home. It was so simple and so sweet.  I love the prayers of little children.

Nights are the worst, and waking up I’m forced to confront the reality that Taylor is still gone. I reach out to God. So grateful that I know that He is there. So grateful for the lifeline. I have had my fair share of challenges and I have always been grateful for the things that I have learned on the flip side. There are things that I have believed about the nature of God that have been solidified to a knowledge because of so many of those experiences, and I am truly grateful.

I remember praying when I was in my early 20’s for God to give me all the lessons, so that I could be molded into something really great. I’ve always had a pretty firm belief that this life is a training ground, and I’ve felt deeply that everything I learn will help me to become something that my soul yearns for. I think it’s a yearning that we all have – the longing to connect with the divine.

 I am grateful for this chance to feel what others have felt and to go through something that I never would have thought I would ever had to endure. There is something beautiful about the judgment that melts away and the sympathy that one can feel towards others when you walk a difficult and less trodden path. 

I couldn’t possibly do this on my own. There’s a beauty to that too. I have received so much from others. It really is beautiful. 

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I’ve homeschooled our kids since my oldest was in Kindergarten (really before that, we all homeschool at the beginning). She is a Senior now and is enrolled in a college program where she will get her Associates in a couple months. She has been our little guinea pig and it’s been quite a  journey along the way…with all of the kids. No one homeschools because it’s easy. We didn’t start homeschooling because I wanted to shelter my kids or I thought that they would get bullied in school. It was a call to me, and it’s been such a learning experience.  I love that I get to be there for so many successes.  When a new concept finally clicks or we learn about something fascinating I get to watch my kids eyes light up… it’s so fun. It keeps my brain going too.  I love the books that I have read and the new things I have learned through my children.  I love that I finally reached a point where I truly love learning and confident that I could learn anything, it’s all about the time and effort you put into it. 

I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Child Development, but most of my education was in Early Childhood Special Education. I remember learning about brain, physical and social and emotional development from babies to late teens. After Elise was born I was living close to my sister, who was homeschooling at the time. She told me about a book that had been inspiring for her, called “A Thomas Jefferson Education”, by Oliver DeMille. The book reinforced a lot of the thoughts I had in college about the way kids learn. Elise was almost two at the time, and thats when I decided that we would take the homeschooling path (so grateful for a supportive husband that saw I felt passionately about it, and was super supportive).

I am grateful I have been able to homeschool my kids- I love the connection it has created between all of us…I worry about this-how will I be able to do it all with Taylor gone…all the things a mother’s heart considers…

…just some ramblings…

Taylor just called, it’s 3 hours later there. It’s nice to talk.

-7:30 am

This morning at sunrise, colors of pink and orange started to cover the trees in front of our home. The sky is beautiful this morning. What a gift!